 |
|
|
Name: Tyler Ryan
Date of Birth: 11-01-1983
Location: New Plymouth
Country: New Zealand
About: I was born at 12:01am 11th of the 1st month. I had a terrible
young life; I was in a lot of shit, getting up to mischief not listening
so that's why I am kind of dumb today. Na really I am not that bad, but
during my school life I didn't do anything, School was a waste of my
time and theirs I am a kid who learns from mistakes, like to learn what
I want to learn, ok yes Math was a good subject to learn, and so was
wood-shop, but I am a computer g33k now, so that had nothing to do with
what I am doing at the moment, and in life. I love computers. I think,
if it were not for computers I would still be in the closet with most of
my clothes. Cause been on the net helped me find people like me and talk
to them and help me out, Chairz #gaynzteen Undernet. But I still have
the horrible terrors of life like every other gay person. I don't really
know where I fit into this life, but I am trying to find my way around,
still puzzled as the day I was born on life. hahaha. But I will get it
one day, I hope.
Another thing happened in my life that I am just really getting over and
that the fact that I was sexually abused a number of times. Now most
people don't talk about this, but I am a book, I don't mind talking to
people about my life, some find it interesting, some find it painful.
The first time it happened that I can remember was when I was about 7
this was with a guy that lived up the street, only a few years older
early teens I think, Now, ok I thought that is was normal since he was a
friend that lived up the street, but really it was kind of enjoying, I
am not sure, another time was on Christmas I would of been about 10, it
was with this guy I had never met before, and again I didn't really know
what was going on. I was a very confused little boy, with this happening
to me. It was nothing major, it was just a matter of just playing with
what I had (at a young age there is not much hehe) and playing with what
they had, there was not intercourse, there was nothing major, But when I
think back on it, I wouldn't change the past, because It would not make
me what I am today, and no been gay has nothing to do with the factor.
The ages of 13-17 I was a little shit, I went off the rails, I was
confused on my sexual preference, I didn't know what I was, so I was
trying to be the man, I was getting into a lot of trouble with the
police, and just about everyone, I was doing drugs, stealing, breaking
into cars, and just been a menace, but I am glad to say that I am all
ova that shit, I am a innocent boy, I have growing up and started to be
responsible for my actions,. So all that shit is over! To be honest. I
think it was for the better, how else would I learn with out no one to
stop me but myself. So I think it was for the better, yes I had to pay,
in money and labour.
On the 8th of September I was pulled over for DUI (Drunk Driving) ok I
knew I was over the limit, but I don't know what made me drive. It first
started at a mates place, have a few drinks there in a short time span,
went to town, had more drinks there then went back to get the car. If I
had any brains I would of gone str8 home, but I didn't, instead I went
for a drive over to Paratutu Rock and played in the grass like any other
boy-racer. After that I went to my old place, oh a friend of mine was
with me too, cant forget her... Well anyways, after seeing my house we
went to go home. And I hit the curb, at that stage I was like ohh f#$k I
should be at home, from hitting the curb I gave the tire a gaping big
hole in it, tire went flat faster than you could say Mississippi. So I
did the right thing and went to the petrol station to check the tire.
Well the tire was f#$ked and so I got out the Jack, but it was rusted
shut, so I went in and ask the store man of Caletx Spotswood to see if
he had a jack, and no he didn't. I went driving off to town to get a
jack off someone, so I stopped at the taxi stand, and asked a Taxi for a
jack, and he gave it to me, But while I was changing the tier a police
car had rolled up and parked at the top of the street, I didn't notice
it at that time so I changed it and jumped in the car and started to
drive off. One of the policemen asked me to park up for a breath test.
So I did. Its not like I am going to drive off. He said to breath into
the thing and well what do ya know 737. OUCH that's five times over the
limit for a 18 year old (150) so I had to go and sit in the car, said
the line " you have the right to remain silent, if you wish blar blar"
got down to the police station and I had to blow into a machine to give
the final reading. Still it was 737. So yeah they filled out the tickets
and told me I had to go to court on the 13tth September, there I got my
license taking off me and a 670$ fine 520 fine and 150 court costs. I
did say that I would have to sell my car to pay for the fine. So I am
paying the Fine off @ 20$ a week till I sell my car... Sad Story eh.
I have had a few guys walk into my life, and leave again. But till this
day the one I still admire is Sharan. (Platinum) he is a great guy, made
me look on this a lot better, deeper. Not taking the to service and
thinking its all right. So Hugs Sharan :)
Well on the 21st of November 2001 I wanted to kill myself,
for many reasons. 1; I am really confused about my sexuality, and I am
very unsure on what I should be. OK people say I should sit back and let
it all happen, but don't know eh. I mean really sitting back is not
going to help the fact how I feel about myself. 2; my financial
problems, I have been getting in dept. everywhere. And crawling outta
them all it really hard for me. I am still a young kid for Christ sake.
most of them are now fixed, or well my mom helped me outta a lot of
dept. I had to her and my sister, I still have to pay them, but at a
later date. 3; my flat mate. He is a very nice guy and I have to say I
love him, he is a str8 boy, and a cute one at that, but now he has moved
out into my other mates place, and to me it feels like he has taking ova
my place I had with the, its very upsetting that, every time I go up
there I have to see him, OK I want to see him, but the whole deal with
him and them together in one house it makes me feel weird. Outta place.
3; is been alone, I should not depend my happiness' on been with
someone. But I really hate been in this house with my sister and her BF
been so happy, It really brings me down thinking. OK what's wrong with
me and why don't I have a BF. is it because I am ugly beast?
So anyway I could not take anything and I just wanted to get outta
depression and end my life. I would of went through with it but with my
family and some of my friends searching New Plymouth I had no place to
hide, cause on thing I wanted to respect was not killing my self on the
property, cause I wanted to hang my self, and we have a great tree for
that, but my reasons for that is because my mother cant even pick up a
dead bird or really touch anything that is dead, so with me hanging up
there would of made her just freak out more than if I was found dead by
other people. Just thinking about if I went through with it all, No one
would know what I would of wanted at my ferule. Well I would of wanted
Robert Miles Children played on my entrance, I would not give anything
away to anyone other than my family, like my sister and her BF cause he
is a real brother to me, and my mother, No one else would have anything
of mine. Well I don't own anything any way's besides my computer.
I mean, yes, you do end up in some places where you cant find a way out,
but look, I am still alive, and I am ok, so yeah, just stick with the
people you love the most and you will get thru it, because, as I have
seen, if you die, your not that only one that suffers, you parents do,
and you do you close mates.
Thanks for reading my life.
 |
|
